Yesterday, (All My Problems Seemed so far away...)

Why? Well, I decided to invoke stronger feelings than the ones that were bothering me recently.

I decided to work on a Saturday morning from my client's site for one. Everyone on the project was grateful for this little extra mile I was suddenly willing to go. Post-lunch, I decided to make a second attempt to see the National Gallery of Modern Art, behind the India Gate...35km from my residence here in Gurgaon. It's been long pending and I knew some art would serve me well on the day.

Guess what?! It was closed AGAIN! Last time I went on a Monday, when it's supposed to be closed. This time...only this time (yaayyy! effff...), it was closed post-lunch on a Saturday to facilitate a VIPs visit. Wtf?! How is a VIP different from me for a freakin' Art Gallery. Couple of swank aged ladies who had a similar grudge outside the closed gate asked, "Sonia Gandhi?!". I said, "Da Vinci maybe?!". With smiles they went their way and left me wondering - NOW WHAT?!

;-) Luxury Brands...Tring Tring...DLF Emporio, here I come. 20 odd kms away, I finally walked into the coveted super-mall. Thankfully I was decently dressed, wish the hair were a lil' less messed though. Ahem. Giorgio Armani Tie (din't buy)...Ermenogildo Zegna Shoes (didn't buy)...Hugo Boss Tee (didn't buy. But was happy to see the exact same trouser I bought from an export reject, sitting pretty at 10k!) ...............and finally Pau...oops, Sir Paul Smith. I could buy everything simply to own it.

"Paul Smith is not fashion, it's art." - Rahul Batra

Bingo! I finally walked out with my first piece of apparel from PS :-) A simple, classy Navy Blue full-sleeved Tee. Peace. Doooonn'ttt ask me the price. No! Haha...

What's nice about such visits is - as they see a 25 something (small career), studying their displays with aplomb and eagerness, they start trying to give me some literature after the early indifference.

Lol...this is the fun part - I probably enter knowing who's their daddy! A chat with the Paul Smith 'cute chick at the counter':

I: Any Indian celeb's patronizing your Brand?
She: Yeah, Mr. Abhay Deol was recently sporting our collection at an Intl. fashion show. You know, some big deal somewhere...
I: Yeah, I prompted Sir Paul Smith to correct his Facebook post on the same, when he got the actor's spelling wrong.
She: Oh!
I: Now do you care for a date (or a discount)?! {Just kidding}

More bike riding around Dilli (Delhi)...and a fabulous evening spent with my Chachu's family, first at their place, then over good Indian food with Gazals at Siri Fort. Was back by mid-night, chilled out of my wits, knowing I needed to feel all of this to overcome the pathetic feeling of the recent weeks.

I thought falling in love a second time was tough. Falling out of it... (smiles)...

Whatever works.

Alchemy of Desire.

"Rebellion needs a witness. Idealism needs a witness. Sacrifice need a witness."

Golden words those. Leave me wondering what am I desiring by the way. Lets see...

Got back an hour ago on a Friday evening after a long day at work, straight from the client site having co-engineered a significant step forward for my company in the nascent country market...sitting at the back of a chauffeur-driven company Optra (;-)), passing the Crowne Plaza (rather fond memories of my recent company sponsored stay there...) and snaking through both - the rural and the very urbane colonies in the late evening cold and dust of Gurgaon.

At times during the above experience I felt good deep down. Rather grown up...capable. Felt lonely at times. Disconnected from the common man at times.

Life continues to forge forward. I look forward to working on a bloody Saturday, damn! That shall duly be followed by art and craft, biking and wine ... maybe the odd pretty gal too.

One learns to build on the wins in life...and leave behind the losses; however close the bonds maybe...however fond the memories maybe, the desires maybe.

I look at the mirror and see a man who's willing to face up to life...and in some style I must say! ;-)

For now, I miss blasting my BOSE speakers in the small room back in Hyderabad...my usual route to a stress-free weekend. Sigh.

Enough Patience. Good Will. (This time) The End.

"I can’t talk to you anymore, it’s not that I am mad at you, it’s just that when I talk to you I realize how much I love you and when I realize how much I love you, I realize I can’t have you and that makes me love you even more."

I can live with the hurt. I can rebuild again. Life moves on I know very well. What remains is a sense of loss. Frankly for someone like me, it ain't difficult to replace her...but when you give your heart and soul to someone, I believe it's only fair that you give your feelings time to recover. The world may wanna jump on from one tree to the next...I'm ok being myself for now. Fuck it - no faking...no lies...no cheapness!

Once again, I have chosen to let go...finally. This time I'm going to take it on the chin. Clean.

Yes, “When I see you smile and know that it is not for me, that is when I will miss you the most.” And till I see that smile again for myself, in you or someone else...the matter is dead and buried!

Notes from a Small Room.

An all time favorite track of mine, John Denver's 'Country Roads' has been ringing in my ears lately and I couldn't help but add a little personal touch to it :-)

Life's an acid test these days and I've finally decided to start cutting the chords that were still lingering and hurting each morning and night...

Miss home a lot at times like these, but having been through all of this before...the mind's willing to battle it out this time! ;-)

Anyway, sitting in my official home - a nice cozy room....the home calling emotion remains strong enough in the sudden indifference and cold of Gurgaon...

"Almost heaven...Central Bangalore
Brigade and MG Road...Koramangla and Indiranagar
Life is old there...older than the pains
Younger than the pleasant city breeze...
Country roaaaadsssss..........take me hooooooooooome...to the plaaaacee...
I beeeeloooooooonngggg..." :-)

An appealing version of the original track - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWzeInQaUk4

My Sweet Obsession :-)

She still makes me melt! She still makes me go absolutely weak in the knees, each time I see her! She still makes me want to smile and cry...she still makes me want to live and die...............

Quoting a famous George Harrison song, "I got my mind set on you...!"

“Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better.” - Shakespeare

She loved me enough to leave me a fan for life. So much so, that even when she can't love me in return today, I'm simply delighted to spend every minute I get with her. Share every thought, feeling, word...dinner, drink, whiff of the cold winter air!

I've hurt her flower like heart just enough to realize that loving her blindly and unselfishly is the only way I'm going to do justice to what I feel for her.

I wish her all the happiness in the days to come and hardly care about what life holds for me ahead; but while I can, I will live each moment with her as if it were our last...; will be tough, there will be tears...there will be smiles...but then what the heck, I'm told that's life. Love.

“Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.”

Love and Relations.

This subject never ceases to surprise the living daylights out of me!

Maybe with the highly complicated and unstable human psyche, this subject isn't worth delving into. Whatever you think, analyze and put down...is going to turn into absolute trash the next day 'cos some one somewhere will give it a new definition!

Interestingly, people seem to know what love is all about. What a relation is all about. Very often they say, "Boss, my story is set...I'm in love and have been in a relation with this girl for a while." Ok. Then there's, "I really love him...". Alright. And then there's, "You know it...I really really loved you." Aahh!

Of course, you fall in 'real real' love in a matter of days and months nowadays. And then fall out of it too...uhh, within 72 hours?! And then in deeeep love with someone within the next 72 hours?! Maybe...maybe...

{Hahahahaha...this is a bloody joke man! Life's a bloody joke these days.}

Maybe my definitions of love are a little different...but, I do believe it takes a while to feel that deep sense of connection with someone. To develop a sense of belonging, and wanting to go the whole 9 yards for that person's sake. And falling out of love...well...takes forever. Having shared so much with someone, you can't just wake up one day and forget it all, can you?!

Then again, some people live for selfish pleasures. Some live for general happiness...; and some, don't know where their happiness lies so end up living for others' happiness.

Well, to each his own, they say...!

As for me, I realized a while ago, my life means nothing without sharing and caring. I'm beginning to realize that my biggest strengths are a humane heart, a strong mind, and an even stronger will power. As a result, my life's goal is soon turning into - giving other people direction in their lives, being their strength, giving free hugs to the heart-broken, helping them stand up for their principles and dreams...

I want to touch lives and leave behind a smile of hope.

Amen.

And Then...

Life's upto mischief again...lol. Give me a break goddammit! I barely come up to the surface, that it's pushing me deep down again...phew...; And for all possible reasons, this time I'm gonna take it with a smile. 'Cos anything else will only hurt more. She (was...is!) succchhha doll...

{Can't say much more this time...too bloody close to my heart!}

I've got to thank Robert Tepper to have given the world this track. It's literally been my first source of strength in any tough situation for the last 4+ years now :-)

Each time life punches me hard, I've gone back to take inspiration from this movie and this track...and come back with "Hit me harder if you can...let's see what you got!".

I let the track drown my thoughts, trickle through my veins, fire through my brain...LOUD...

Come share my drug:

The Original movie clip - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IuueKw1m98 (and an absolute kick-ass version http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn7pz5hXa28)

"We're not indestructible,
Baby better get that straight.
I think it's unbelieveable,
How you give into the hands of fate.
Some things are worth fighting for,
some feelings never die.
I'm not asking for another chance,
I just wanna know why.

There's no easy way out,
There's no shortcut home.
There's no easy way out,
Giving in can't be wrong.

I don't wanna pasify you,
I don't wanna drag you down.
But I'm Feeling like a prisoner,
Like A Stranger in a no-name town.
I See all the angry faces,
Afraid that could be you and me.
Talking about what might have been,
Thinking about what it used to be.

There's no easy way out,
There's no shortcut home.
There's no easy way out,
Giving in can't be wrong.

Baby Baby we can shed this skin,
We can know how we feel inside.
Instead of going down an endless road,
Not knowing if we're dead or alive.
Some things are worth fighting for,
some feelings never die.
I'm not asking for another chance,
I just wanna know why.

There's no easy way out,
There's no shortcut home.
There's no easy way out,
givin in, givin in, can't be wrong."